"Shakespeare's Brain", part of Scene 11
Scene 11
(Professor Blather is facing the audience, conducting a lecture. Blather is holding one half of Shakespeare’s brain.)
Blather: A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Take notes, this will be on the exam. Let’s discuss the imagery, shall we?
(Shakespeare barges into the lecture. Professor Blather is unable to see him.)
Shakespeare: Dog! You’re the one who sliced my brain in half with the finesse of a Japanese chef!
Blather: We see that Shakespeare drew his imagery from Ovid.
Shakespeare: Who’s Ovid?
Blather: Bottom’s donkey head, for instance...
Shakespeare: What about it?
Blather: It’s all from the same source.
Shakespeare: Of course it’s all from the same source, you imbecile. It came out of my brain!
Blather: Why a donkey head?
Shakespeare: Because it’s funny.
Blather: Why not the head of a goat or a nice Angus cow?
Shakespeare: There’s nothing comical about an Angus cow.
Blather: But was it actually Shakespeare who wrote this play?
Shakespeare: Read the dust jacket.
Blather: It’s a little different from his other plays.
Shakespeare: What? Do you think I wrote thirty-seven identical plays?
(Fade in Professor Smog, who is facing the audience on the other side of the stage, also conducting a lecture. Smog is holding the second half of Shakespeare’s brain.)
Smog: Macbeth.
Shakespeare: You!
Smog: The name curses itself.
Shakespeare: What the...
Smog: Macbeth is both the antagonist and the protagonist.
Shakespeare: He’s just a guy.
Smog: Therefore, his name curses anyone who says it.
Shakespeare: Have you been into the insane root?
Smog: This theory has been proven with the many disastrous productions of “The Scottish Play”.
Shakespeare: That was no curse. That was bad acting.
Blather: Let’s discuss the rhyming couplets.
Shakespeare: This should be good.
Blather: Why rhyming couplets?
Shakespeare: Because they sound pretty.
Blather: Was Shakespeare trying to hide something? Make a political commentary?
Shakespeare: Everything sounds better when it rhymes!
Blather: It is interesting to note that Shakespeare wrote A Midsummer Night’s Dream at approximately the same time that he wrote Richard II. These are considered to be his two most poetic plays. What was going on that year?
Shakespeare: I was into poetry.
Smog: Shakespeare was a woman, and I have proof. Turn to Scene Four.
Shakespeare: What are you telling these impressionable young people?
Blather: As per the Weird Sisters...
Shakespeare: Oh, God! What are you going to do to the Weird Sisters?
Blather: Who were they? Were they real? Were they figurative?
Shakespeare: You hate me, don’t you?
Blather: The word weird derives from the Anglo Saxon “wyrd”, which means fate. Were the Weird Sisters prophetesses?
Shakespeare: They were WEIRD! (Slapping forehead) Stupid, stupid, smart people!
Smog: Measure for Measure is one of Shakespeare’s “problem plays”.
Shakespeare: What’s the problem?
Smog: All’s Well That Ends Well falls under the same category.
Shakespeare: I don’t see the problem.
Smog: Why are these called “problem plays”?
Shakespeare: I was hoping you knew.
Smog: It is because of Aristotle’s template of Tragedy and Comedy.
Shakespeare: Aristotle? Is that old sausage crank still pushing out the bosh? I never did understand him.
Smog: It is because of Aristotle that we can diagnose Shakespeare’s plays by genre.
Shakespeare: Diagnose? I wrote plays. Not diseases.
Smog: Hence, the “problem plays”.
Shakespeare: If you ask me, Aristotle’s the one with the problem.
Blather: King Lear is yet another ambiguity.
Shakespeare: Why?
Blather: There is a peculiar speech, spoken by the bastard son, Edmund, in which there is gratuitous use of the letter “B”.
Shakespeare: What’s wrong with the letter “B”?
Blather: Let us ponder the letter “B”.
Shakespeare: It makes a “buh” sound. What more do you need to know?
Blather: The letter “B” begins words like banana. Bar Mitzvah. Bratwurst. Bolshevik. Beaver. What was Shakespeare trying to say to us?
Shakespeare: If you’d just listen, I’d be more than happy to...
Smog: Shakespeare was in a very bad mood when he wrote The Tempest.
Shakespeare: How could you possibly know that?
Smog: Observe the speech in which Prospero renounces his magic. This is Shakespeare’s way of announcing his retirement from playwriting.
Shakespeare: Now you’re pulling things out of your bum.
Blather: All of Shakespeare’s plays from Romeo and Juliet on, were written by Christopher Marlowe.
Shakespeare: Not this again.
Blather: His style changed thereafter.
Shakespeare: My career was over thirty years long! I’d like to think my style changed many times.
Blather: The plays became darker after the plague.
Shakespeare: Everything was darker after the plague. That’s why the plague was “Black”!
Smog: How clever it was for Shakespeare to include the obviously intentional anachronism in Julius Caesar. A clock is referenced in a time during which clocks were not invented.
Shakespeare: Oops.
Blather: Hamlet. Ham. The Prince of Denmark was a swine.
Shakespeare: What the...
Smog: Twelfth Night is consumed with images of death.
Shakespeare: It’s a comedy!
Smog: Dr. Faustus.
Shakespeare: Wrong playwright.
Blather: The theme of madness.
Shakespeare: You’re the expert.
Smog: Timon of Athens was never completed.
Shakespeare: I wrote ten drafts, you little...
Blather: Curious use of blank verse.
Shakespeare: Is that what you call it?
Smog: Kings.
Shakespeare: Easy targets.
Blather: Women.
Shakespeare: Where?
Smog: Irony.
Shakespeare: I’ll say.
Blather: Murder.
Shakespeare: You’re killing me.
Smog: Did Shakespeare exist?
Shakespeare: I’m right here!
Blather: He was many people.
Shakespeare: It’s me!
Smog: He was...
Shakespeare: Is.
Blather: A woman.
Shakespeare: No!
Smog: A genius.
Shakespeare: Nice of you to say, but...
Smog: God.
Shakespeare: Now wait a minute...
Blather: Plagiarist.
Shakespeare: Stop it!
Blather: Essays are due...
Shakespeare: No!
Smog: Define and discuss...
Shakespeare: Why?
Blather: Exam.
Shakespeare: But...
Smog: Thirty percent of your final mark.
Shakespeare: Couldn’t you just enjoy...
Blather: We love Shakespeare.
Shakespeare: Then why are you trying to...
Smog: Isn’t he swell?
Shakespeare: You’re ruining me!
Blather: (Together - holding up half of Shakespeare’s brain) Shakespeare is dead and we have his brain!
Smog: (Together - holding up half of Shakespeare’s brain) Shakespeare is dead and we have his brain!
Shakespeare: You mock me!
(Blather and Smog, still unaware of Shakespeare’s presence, each examines their half of Shakespeare’s brain and the other’s half of the brain.)
...
Those parties interested in producing It Was Kit and/or Shakespeare's Brain can purchase a sample copy at the base cost plus shipping - contact [email protected] to order.
(Professor Blather is facing the audience, conducting a lecture. Blather is holding one half of Shakespeare’s brain.)
Blather: A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Take notes, this will be on the exam. Let’s discuss the imagery, shall we?
(Shakespeare barges into the lecture. Professor Blather is unable to see him.)
Shakespeare: Dog! You’re the one who sliced my brain in half with the finesse of a Japanese chef!
Blather: We see that Shakespeare drew his imagery from Ovid.
Shakespeare: Who’s Ovid?
Blather: Bottom’s donkey head, for instance...
Shakespeare: What about it?
Blather: It’s all from the same source.
Shakespeare: Of course it’s all from the same source, you imbecile. It came out of my brain!
Blather: Why a donkey head?
Shakespeare: Because it’s funny.
Blather: Why not the head of a goat or a nice Angus cow?
Shakespeare: There’s nothing comical about an Angus cow.
Blather: But was it actually Shakespeare who wrote this play?
Shakespeare: Read the dust jacket.
Blather: It’s a little different from his other plays.
Shakespeare: What? Do you think I wrote thirty-seven identical plays?
(Fade in Professor Smog, who is facing the audience on the other side of the stage, also conducting a lecture. Smog is holding the second half of Shakespeare’s brain.)
Smog: Macbeth.
Shakespeare: You!
Smog: The name curses itself.
Shakespeare: What the...
Smog: Macbeth is both the antagonist and the protagonist.
Shakespeare: He’s just a guy.
Smog: Therefore, his name curses anyone who says it.
Shakespeare: Have you been into the insane root?
Smog: This theory has been proven with the many disastrous productions of “The Scottish Play”.
Shakespeare: That was no curse. That was bad acting.
Blather: Let’s discuss the rhyming couplets.
Shakespeare: This should be good.
Blather: Why rhyming couplets?
Shakespeare: Because they sound pretty.
Blather: Was Shakespeare trying to hide something? Make a political commentary?
Shakespeare: Everything sounds better when it rhymes!
Blather: It is interesting to note that Shakespeare wrote A Midsummer Night’s Dream at approximately the same time that he wrote Richard II. These are considered to be his two most poetic plays. What was going on that year?
Shakespeare: I was into poetry.
Smog: Shakespeare was a woman, and I have proof. Turn to Scene Four.
Shakespeare: What are you telling these impressionable young people?
Blather: As per the Weird Sisters...
Shakespeare: Oh, God! What are you going to do to the Weird Sisters?
Blather: Who were they? Were they real? Were they figurative?
Shakespeare: You hate me, don’t you?
Blather: The word weird derives from the Anglo Saxon “wyrd”, which means fate. Were the Weird Sisters prophetesses?
Shakespeare: They were WEIRD! (Slapping forehead) Stupid, stupid, smart people!
Smog: Measure for Measure is one of Shakespeare’s “problem plays”.
Shakespeare: What’s the problem?
Smog: All’s Well That Ends Well falls under the same category.
Shakespeare: I don’t see the problem.
Smog: Why are these called “problem plays”?
Shakespeare: I was hoping you knew.
Smog: It is because of Aristotle’s template of Tragedy and Comedy.
Shakespeare: Aristotle? Is that old sausage crank still pushing out the bosh? I never did understand him.
Smog: It is because of Aristotle that we can diagnose Shakespeare’s plays by genre.
Shakespeare: Diagnose? I wrote plays. Not diseases.
Smog: Hence, the “problem plays”.
Shakespeare: If you ask me, Aristotle’s the one with the problem.
Blather: King Lear is yet another ambiguity.
Shakespeare: Why?
Blather: There is a peculiar speech, spoken by the bastard son, Edmund, in which there is gratuitous use of the letter “B”.
Shakespeare: What’s wrong with the letter “B”?
Blather: Let us ponder the letter “B”.
Shakespeare: It makes a “buh” sound. What more do you need to know?
Blather: The letter “B” begins words like banana. Bar Mitzvah. Bratwurst. Bolshevik. Beaver. What was Shakespeare trying to say to us?
Shakespeare: If you’d just listen, I’d be more than happy to...
Smog: Shakespeare was in a very bad mood when he wrote The Tempest.
Shakespeare: How could you possibly know that?
Smog: Observe the speech in which Prospero renounces his magic. This is Shakespeare’s way of announcing his retirement from playwriting.
Shakespeare: Now you’re pulling things out of your bum.
Blather: All of Shakespeare’s plays from Romeo and Juliet on, were written by Christopher Marlowe.
Shakespeare: Not this again.
Blather: His style changed thereafter.
Shakespeare: My career was over thirty years long! I’d like to think my style changed many times.
Blather: The plays became darker after the plague.
Shakespeare: Everything was darker after the plague. That’s why the plague was “Black”!
Smog: How clever it was for Shakespeare to include the obviously intentional anachronism in Julius Caesar. A clock is referenced in a time during which clocks were not invented.
Shakespeare: Oops.
Blather: Hamlet. Ham. The Prince of Denmark was a swine.
Shakespeare: What the...
Smog: Twelfth Night is consumed with images of death.
Shakespeare: It’s a comedy!
Smog: Dr. Faustus.
Shakespeare: Wrong playwright.
Blather: The theme of madness.
Shakespeare: You’re the expert.
Smog: Timon of Athens was never completed.
Shakespeare: I wrote ten drafts, you little...
Blather: Curious use of blank verse.
Shakespeare: Is that what you call it?
Smog: Kings.
Shakespeare: Easy targets.
Blather: Women.
Shakespeare: Where?
Smog: Irony.
Shakespeare: I’ll say.
Blather: Murder.
Shakespeare: You’re killing me.
Smog: Did Shakespeare exist?
Shakespeare: I’m right here!
Blather: He was many people.
Shakespeare: It’s me!
Smog: He was...
Shakespeare: Is.
Blather: A woman.
Shakespeare: No!
Smog: A genius.
Shakespeare: Nice of you to say, but...
Smog: God.
Shakespeare: Now wait a minute...
Blather: Plagiarist.
Shakespeare: Stop it!
Blather: Essays are due...
Shakespeare: No!
Smog: Define and discuss...
Shakespeare: Why?
Blather: Exam.
Shakespeare: But...
Smog: Thirty percent of your final mark.
Shakespeare: Couldn’t you just enjoy...
Blather: We love Shakespeare.
Shakespeare: Then why are you trying to...
Smog: Isn’t he swell?
Shakespeare: You’re ruining me!
Blather: (Together - holding up half of Shakespeare’s brain) Shakespeare is dead and we have his brain!
Smog: (Together - holding up half of Shakespeare’s brain) Shakespeare is dead and we have his brain!
Shakespeare: You mock me!
(Blather and Smog, still unaware of Shakespeare’s presence, each examines their half of Shakespeare’s brain and the other’s half of the brain.)
...
Those parties interested in producing It Was Kit and/or Shakespeare's Brain can purchase a sample copy at the base cost plus shipping - contact [email protected] to order.
