"The Aquarium" Act 2, Scene 8
(The flower shop. Jeanette is arranging flowers in a vase. George
arrives with a huge bouquet of flowers for Jeanette.)
Jeanette: George. You brought…flowers.
(George comes within an uncomfortable distance between himself
and Jeanette. The more Jeanette keeps moving backwards to get
away from him, the closer he moves towards her.)
George: You like me. I can tell.
Jeanette: George, haven’t you bunged things up enough already? I mean you nearly took out Jesus.
George: I’d rather take out you.
Jeanette: What?
George: I mean, take you out.
Jeanette: George…
(Jeanette and George are now in a cat and mouse game as Jeanette
tries to scurry away from George, who is in hot pursuit of her.)
George: Come on. It’s only fair I get a turn.
Jeanette: What do you mean, turn?
George: Alex went for you. What’s good for the goose
is…good for the other goose. No, wait…
Jeanette: I know it looked bad. But Alex didn’t really
break the no-dating rule.
George: Look, date-that’s-not-a-date or no date-that’s-
not-a-date, I want a date, and not the kind
that’s not, but the kind that is, you know? I
don’t care about this no-date thing, because a
date is a date whether it’s supposed to be or
not and you promised you wouldn’t sleep with
me.
(Jen and Gen arrive. Jeanette is relieved that their sudden arrival has
stopped George from chasing her around the store.)
Jeanette: Jens.
Gen: We’re off balance.
Jen: What Earth Mother here is trying to say is…
Gen: Everything’s off balance. Since you’ve been
gone.
Jen: Perhaps we were a bit hasty.
Jeanette: I’m happy at my new place. Thanks anyway.
Gen: You can’t be happy! Happiness can only
happen when the Universe is in sync. And the
universe isn’t in sync. Not for us it isn’t.
Jen: We miss you.
Jeanette: Jens…
Gen: I’ve been getting headaches. Your absence has
changed the atmospheric pressure…
Jen: Right. There’s been a lot of pressure on both
of us since you left. Things aren’t…
Gen: …right…
Jen: …the same…
Gen: …at peace…
Jen: …it’s just weird.
Gen: Not so much weird as…
Jen: Confusing.
Gen: Awkward?
George: Who are the chicks?
Jen: Jen.
Gen: Gen.
(George shakes his head in confusion.)
Jen: Who is he?
George: They call me George.
Gen: George, have you accepted Celestandrea the
Merciful Orbit Goddess as your personal saviour?
George: Is she hitting on me?
Jeanette: No. She asks everyone that.
Gen: She wants to be inside of you, George. Will you absorb her vibrations?
Jen: Um, yeah, hi? No.
(George shifts gears and is now in lust with Gen. He barely notices
Jeanette anymore.)
Jeanette: George, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
George: (Distracted) Wha?
Jeanette: Oh no.
Jen: Why are you looking at Gen?
George: Because she’s hot.
Jen: Asshole!
Jeanette: Jen…
Jen: Gen!
Gen: Jen?
George: (Drooling) Gen.
Gen: (Nervous of George) Jen?
Jeanette: (Assuring) Gen.
Jen: Gen!
(Enter Bob and Alex.)
Alex: Who’s Jen?
(Alex sees George and figures out what is going on. Alex is furious.)
Alex: You animal!
George: What are you doing here?
Alex: I need a fern.
George: Nobody needs a fern, you bastard. You’re just
here to…
(George is suddenly distracted by Gen.)
George: (To Gen) Hey. You want to go back to my
place and (He makes a cat noise.)?
Jen: Back off!
Alex: What’s with…
Jeanette: …Jen.
Alex: …Jen?
Bob: Just off the top of my head, I’m thinking that
George came down here to woo Jeanette but
was then sidetracked by…
Jeanette: …Gen.
Bob: …Gen. And then…
Jeanette: …Jen.
Bob: Thank you. Jen intercepted because she…
Jen: Who are you and why are you meddling in our
personal affairs?
Bob: I’m Bob and personal affairs are sort of my
thing. I’m all knowing, somewhat like the
vengeful God of the Old Testament.
Jen: He’s creeping me out.
Bob: Sweetie, I totally understand. You know…
Jen: Yes, I know. But you can’t just walk in here and
think you know about me. You don’t even
know me!
Bob: Don’t I?
Jen: What are you?
Gen: He’s The Big Pigeon!
Bob: Ex-squeeze me?
Gen: Foretold by the stars!
Jeanette: Oh no.
(Gen bows down and worships Bob, chanting a monkish requiem.)
Bob: Why is she worshipping me with a monkish
requiem?
Jeanette: It’s a curse. Everything’s going wrong.
Gen: The Universe is a humongous ball of yarn and
the Pigeon has us by a thread! Only the Pigeon
can keep us from unraveling and falling out of
orbit!
Bob: Is she for real?
Gen: We shall erect a graven image of you in the
marketplace!
George: Erect. I love Neo-Pagan foreplay.
(Jen punches George in the face.)
Jeanette: Oh crap.
Jen: I said back off! Gen is off limits!
Alex: What’s going on?
George: Yeah. What’s up with this?
Bob: I so know what’s going to happen.
Gen: Jen, we can’t…
Jen: It’s bigger than us.
Gen: But…
Jeanette: What…
Bob: Three, two, one…
Jen & Gen: I think we’re lesbians!
Bob: …And Bob’s your uncle.
George: (Confused) So…
Bob: So, George, you’ll be flying solo tonight.
Unless…
George: Do I get to see some girl on girl action?
Bob: How frat.
George: A guy’s got urges you know. It’s natural.
Bob: So is The Clap, but people don’t go around
bragging about it.
George: What are you trying to say?
Bob: You have the attention span of a flea. You’ll
cork anything with an orifice. I’ll bet if an
angry, German frau in lederhosen came in
here right now and chased you around with a
rolling pin, you’d forget about Miss Positive
Energy here, and buy a one way ticket to
Hump City.
Jeanette: Bob, I wouldn’t…Oh crap.
(An angry, but very sexy German woman enters, wearing tight
lederhosen and wielding a rolling pin. She speaks in a farcically
strong, German accent.)
Irma: I am Irma the Naughty German Girl! Where is
my giant schnitzel!
George: (Agog) Sweet Mother of Bob…
Irma: Aha! You have been hiding, you big, dumb
scheiss! Put your enormous hands all over Irma
the Naughty German Girl!
(Jeanette is mortified as Irma chases George all around the scene
farcically with her rolling pin, as others dive out of her way. Alex is
laughing heartily at the scene. George runs away from her with his
tongue hanging out.)
George: Come and get me you filthy frau!
Irma: I shall beat you repeatedly with my rolling pin
and then together we shall play the alphorn! I
like it rough!
George: Where have you been all my life!
Irma: Dip me in the fondue cheese!
George: Yes!
Irma: Come here you stupid sausage!
(Irma chases George out of the scene. Jen and Gen, who have been
preoccupied with each other throughout the scene are suddenly
noticed by the others in the room.)
Bob: I knew that was going to happen. (Noticing
Jen and Gen.) And this.
Jeanette: How could you have known about the Jens? I
didn’t even see this coming.
Jen: I’m thinking we should just go ahead and get
that one bedroom apartment.
Gen: But Jen…
Jen: It’s much more…practical…that way.
Gen: It’s such a big step.
(By now, Alex and Jeanette are looking rather cozy standing next to
each other. Bob notices and looks a little dejected.)
Bob: It is a big step. But there’s no point in going
back now. Things aren’t going to be the same
ever again. Nope. Not ever.
Gen: We should listen to the Pigeon.
Those parties interested in producing The Aquarium can purchase a sample copy at the base cost plus shipping - contact [email protected] to order.
arrives with a huge bouquet of flowers for Jeanette.)
Jeanette: George. You brought…flowers.
(George comes within an uncomfortable distance between himself
and Jeanette. The more Jeanette keeps moving backwards to get
away from him, the closer he moves towards her.)
George: You like me. I can tell.
Jeanette: George, haven’t you bunged things up enough already? I mean you nearly took out Jesus.
George: I’d rather take out you.
Jeanette: What?
George: I mean, take you out.
Jeanette: George…
(Jeanette and George are now in a cat and mouse game as Jeanette
tries to scurry away from George, who is in hot pursuit of her.)
George: Come on. It’s only fair I get a turn.
Jeanette: What do you mean, turn?
George: Alex went for you. What’s good for the goose
is…good for the other goose. No, wait…
Jeanette: I know it looked bad. But Alex didn’t really
break the no-dating rule.
George: Look, date-that’s-not-a-date or no date-that’s-
not-a-date, I want a date, and not the kind
that’s not, but the kind that is, you know? I
don’t care about this no-date thing, because a
date is a date whether it’s supposed to be or
not and you promised you wouldn’t sleep with
me.
(Jen and Gen arrive. Jeanette is relieved that their sudden arrival has
stopped George from chasing her around the store.)
Jeanette: Jens.
Gen: We’re off balance.
Jen: What Earth Mother here is trying to say is…
Gen: Everything’s off balance. Since you’ve been
gone.
Jen: Perhaps we were a bit hasty.
Jeanette: I’m happy at my new place. Thanks anyway.
Gen: You can’t be happy! Happiness can only
happen when the Universe is in sync. And the
universe isn’t in sync. Not for us it isn’t.
Jen: We miss you.
Jeanette: Jens…
Gen: I’ve been getting headaches. Your absence has
changed the atmospheric pressure…
Jen: Right. There’s been a lot of pressure on both
of us since you left. Things aren’t…
Gen: …right…
Jen: …the same…
Gen: …at peace…
Jen: …it’s just weird.
Gen: Not so much weird as…
Jen: Confusing.
Gen: Awkward?
George: Who are the chicks?
Jen: Jen.
Gen: Gen.
(George shakes his head in confusion.)
Jen: Who is he?
George: They call me George.
Gen: George, have you accepted Celestandrea the
Merciful Orbit Goddess as your personal saviour?
George: Is she hitting on me?
Jeanette: No. She asks everyone that.
Gen: She wants to be inside of you, George. Will you absorb her vibrations?
Jen: Um, yeah, hi? No.
(George shifts gears and is now in lust with Gen. He barely notices
Jeanette anymore.)
Jeanette: George, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
George: (Distracted) Wha?
Jeanette: Oh no.
Jen: Why are you looking at Gen?
George: Because she’s hot.
Jen: Asshole!
Jeanette: Jen…
Jen: Gen!
Gen: Jen?
George: (Drooling) Gen.
Gen: (Nervous of George) Jen?
Jeanette: (Assuring) Gen.
Jen: Gen!
(Enter Bob and Alex.)
Alex: Who’s Jen?
(Alex sees George and figures out what is going on. Alex is furious.)
Alex: You animal!
George: What are you doing here?
Alex: I need a fern.
George: Nobody needs a fern, you bastard. You’re just
here to…
(George is suddenly distracted by Gen.)
George: (To Gen) Hey. You want to go back to my
place and (He makes a cat noise.)?
Jen: Back off!
Alex: What’s with…
Jeanette: …Jen.
Alex: …Jen?
Bob: Just off the top of my head, I’m thinking that
George came down here to woo Jeanette but
was then sidetracked by…
Jeanette: …Gen.
Bob: …Gen. And then…
Jeanette: …Jen.
Bob: Thank you. Jen intercepted because she…
Jen: Who are you and why are you meddling in our
personal affairs?
Bob: I’m Bob and personal affairs are sort of my
thing. I’m all knowing, somewhat like the
vengeful God of the Old Testament.
Jen: He’s creeping me out.
Bob: Sweetie, I totally understand. You know…
Jen: Yes, I know. But you can’t just walk in here and
think you know about me. You don’t even
know me!
Bob: Don’t I?
Jen: What are you?
Gen: He’s The Big Pigeon!
Bob: Ex-squeeze me?
Gen: Foretold by the stars!
Jeanette: Oh no.
(Gen bows down and worships Bob, chanting a monkish requiem.)
Bob: Why is she worshipping me with a monkish
requiem?
Jeanette: It’s a curse. Everything’s going wrong.
Gen: The Universe is a humongous ball of yarn and
the Pigeon has us by a thread! Only the Pigeon
can keep us from unraveling and falling out of
orbit!
Bob: Is she for real?
Gen: We shall erect a graven image of you in the
marketplace!
George: Erect. I love Neo-Pagan foreplay.
(Jen punches George in the face.)
Jeanette: Oh crap.
Jen: I said back off! Gen is off limits!
Alex: What’s going on?
George: Yeah. What’s up with this?
Bob: I so know what’s going to happen.
Gen: Jen, we can’t…
Jen: It’s bigger than us.
Gen: But…
Jeanette: What…
Bob: Three, two, one…
Jen & Gen: I think we’re lesbians!
Bob: …And Bob’s your uncle.
George: (Confused) So…
Bob: So, George, you’ll be flying solo tonight.
Unless…
George: Do I get to see some girl on girl action?
Bob: How frat.
George: A guy’s got urges you know. It’s natural.
Bob: So is The Clap, but people don’t go around
bragging about it.
George: What are you trying to say?
Bob: You have the attention span of a flea. You’ll
cork anything with an orifice. I’ll bet if an
angry, German frau in lederhosen came in
here right now and chased you around with a
rolling pin, you’d forget about Miss Positive
Energy here, and buy a one way ticket to
Hump City.
Jeanette: Bob, I wouldn’t…Oh crap.
(An angry, but very sexy German woman enters, wearing tight
lederhosen and wielding a rolling pin. She speaks in a farcically
strong, German accent.)
Irma: I am Irma the Naughty German Girl! Where is
my giant schnitzel!
George: (Agog) Sweet Mother of Bob…
Irma: Aha! You have been hiding, you big, dumb
scheiss! Put your enormous hands all over Irma
the Naughty German Girl!
(Jeanette is mortified as Irma chases George all around the scene
farcically with her rolling pin, as others dive out of her way. Alex is
laughing heartily at the scene. George runs away from her with his
tongue hanging out.)
George: Come and get me you filthy frau!
Irma: I shall beat you repeatedly with my rolling pin
and then together we shall play the alphorn! I
like it rough!
George: Where have you been all my life!
Irma: Dip me in the fondue cheese!
George: Yes!
Irma: Come here you stupid sausage!
(Irma chases George out of the scene. Jen and Gen, who have been
preoccupied with each other throughout the scene are suddenly
noticed by the others in the room.)
Bob: I knew that was going to happen. (Noticing
Jen and Gen.) And this.
Jeanette: How could you have known about the Jens? I
didn’t even see this coming.
Jen: I’m thinking we should just go ahead and get
that one bedroom apartment.
Gen: But Jen…
Jen: It’s much more…practical…that way.
Gen: It’s such a big step.
(By now, Alex and Jeanette are looking rather cozy standing next to
each other. Bob notices and looks a little dejected.)
Bob: It is a big step. But there’s no point in going
back now. Things aren’t going to be the same
ever again. Nope. Not ever.
Gen: We should listen to the Pigeon.
Those parties interested in producing The Aquarium can purchase a sample copy at the base cost plus shipping - contact [email protected] to order.
