"It Was Kit" Act 1, Scenes 9 and a portion of 10
Scene 9
(Ingram, Nicholas and Blob are in the bushes. Kit walks by.)
Ingram: Where do you think you’re going?
Kit: I’m going to the privy.
Ingram: The privy?
Kit: That’s right.
Ingram: Then by all means, continue.
Kit: Thank you for your blessing...What are you doing in my bushes?
Blob: Admiring you lovely foliage.
(Kit shakes his head and leaves.)
Ingram: Did you hear that? He’s going to the privy?
Blob: The Queen’s Privy Council?
Ingram: What else could he mean?
Nicholas: Why would he be going to the Queen’s Privy Council?
Ingram: It must have been that story we made up about Marlowe plotting treason.
Nicholas: Cripes! The Queen must be bringing him in for interrogation. We didn’t factor this into the equation.
Blob: You don’t suppose he will rat on us, do you?
Nicholas: Of course he’s going to rat on us! He is about to be interrogated by the Queen’s Privy Council! They will torture him until he spills everything he knows!
Blob: Marlowe knows everything we’ve done!
Ingram: My embezzling.
Blob: And the Babington Plot.
Ingram: Bugger off, Blob.
Nicholas: They’ll put Marlowe on the rack! Quarter him! Boil him! Disembowel him! He’ll be sure to blurt something out!
Ingram: Marlowe is a loose cannon. He must be silenced.
Will: (Entering) Kit! It’s been longer than nine minutes! Where are you? (Notices spies) Have you gentlemen in the bushes seen Kit? I don’t understand what is taking him so long. I’m rather worried.
Blob: Keep waiting. He won’t be back anytime soon.
Nicholas: He’s being interrogated by the Queen’s Privy Council!
Will: No!
Ingram: He’s being charged for treason and will be tortured into confessing.
Will: (Rushing back inside) Fire and brimstone!
Nicholas: What do you suppose we should do?
Blob: Prepare to be hanged.
Scene 10
(Will is pacing around in Kit’s apartment. Enter Kit.)
Will: Kit! Oh, Kit, thank God you’re okay! You survived! Oh praise be to Heaven!
Kit: Will...
Will: I want you to sit down and tell me all about it.
Kit: Why?
Will: Come on, Kit. Give me details.
Kit: It’s sort of personal.
Will: Did it hurt?
Kit: What’s that to the purpose?
Will: It must have hurt. You did a dirty deed.
Kit: You’re weird.
Will: How did it feel?
Kit: I don’t know...Refreshing.
Will: Refreshing?
Kit: As a matter of fact, it felt rather good to let it all out.
Will: You let it ALL out?
Kit: That is the point.
Will: I can’t believe you did that. And with the Queen watching.
Kit: The Queen was watching?
Will: Of course. She watches everything.
Kit: Even THAT?
Will: You shouldn’t have done it, Kit. You should have held it in. As painful as it might be.
Kit: It’s not healthy to hold it in.
Will: Tell me this...Did you let anything out that might have upset the Queen?
Kit: To be frank, I don’t see how any of this is the Queen’s business. A man’s...(gesturing towards his bowels) internal affairs are private.
Will: That’s not what the Queen says.
Kit: I don’t give a rat’s ass what the Queen says!
Will: (Shrieks) I didn’t hear you say that.
Kit: The Queen is a demented woman!
Will: You are full of crap!
Kit: Not anymore, I’m not!
(Enter Thomas.)
Thomas: Kit, you forgot to empty the chamber pot again.
Will: Chamber pot?
Thomas: Must you forget to empty the chamber pot every time you go to the privy?
Will: The priv...(Hides his face as he leaves) Excuse me.
Thomas: What’s with him?
Kit: I don’t know, but I learned a little more about the Queen than I needed to know.
...
Those parties interested in producing It Was Kit and/or Shakespeare's Brain can purchase a sample copy at the base cost plus shipping - contact [email protected] to order.
(Ingram, Nicholas and Blob are in the bushes. Kit walks by.)
Ingram: Where do you think you’re going?
Kit: I’m going to the privy.
Ingram: The privy?
Kit: That’s right.
Ingram: Then by all means, continue.
Kit: Thank you for your blessing...What are you doing in my bushes?
Blob: Admiring you lovely foliage.
(Kit shakes his head and leaves.)
Ingram: Did you hear that? He’s going to the privy?
Blob: The Queen’s Privy Council?
Ingram: What else could he mean?
Nicholas: Why would he be going to the Queen’s Privy Council?
Ingram: It must have been that story we made up about Marlowe plotting treason.
Nicholas: Cripes! The Queen must be bringing him in for interrogation. We didn’t factor this into the equation.
Blob: You don’t suppose he will rat on us, do you?
Nicholas: Of course he’s going to rat on us! He is about to be interrogated by the Queen’s Privy Council! They will torture him until he spills everything he knows!
Blob: Marlowe knows everything we’ve done!
Ingram: My embezzling.
Blob: And the Babington Plot.
Ingram: Bugger off, Blob.
Nicholas: They’ll put Marlowe on the rack! Quarter him! Boil him! Disembowel him! He’ll be sure to blurt something out!
Ingram: Marlowe is a loose cannon. He must be silenced.
Will: (Entering) Kit! It’s been longer than nine minutes! Where are you? (Notices spies) Have you gentlemen in the bushes seen Kit? I don’t understand what is taking him so long. I’m rather worried.
Blob: Keep waiting. He won’t be back anytime soon.
Nicholas: He’s being interrogated by the Queen’s Privy Council!
Will: No!
Ingram: He’s being charged for treason and will be tortured into confessing.
Will: (Rushing back inside) Fire and brimstone!
Nicholas: What do you suppose we should do?
Blob: Prepare to be hanged.
Scene 10
(Will is pacing around in Kit’s apartment. Enter Kit.)
Will: Kit! Oh, Kit, thank God you’re okay! You survived! Oh praise be to Heaven!
Kit: Will...
Will: I want you to sit down and tell me all about it.
Kit: Why?
Will: Come on, Kit. Give me details.
Kit: It’s sort of personal.
Will: Did it hurt?
Kit: What’s that to the purpose?
Will: It must have hurt. You did a dirty deed.
Kit: You’re weird.
Will: How did it feel?
Kit: I don’t know...Refreshing.
Will: Refreshing?
Kit: As a matter of fact, it felt rather good to let it all out.
Will: You let it ALL out?
Kit: That is the point.
Will: I can’t believe you did that. And with the Queen watching.
Kit: The Queen was watching?
Will: Of course. She watches everything.
Kit: Even THAT?
Will: You shouldn’t have done it, Kit. You should have held it in. As painful as it might be.
Kit: It’s not healthy to hold it in.
Will: Tell me this...Did you let anything out that might have upset the Queen?
Kit: To be frank, I don’t see how any of this is the Queen’s business. A man’s...(gesturing towards his bowels) internal affairs are private.
Will: That’s not what the Queen says.
Kit: I don’t give a rat’s ass what the Queen says!
Will: (Shrieks) I didn’t hear you say that.
Kit: The Queen is a demented woman!
Will: You are full of crap!
Kit: Not anymore, I’m not!
(Enter Thomas.)
Thomas: Kit, you forgot to empty the chamber pot again.
Will: Chamber pot?
Thomas: Must you forget to empty the chamber pot every time you go to the privy?
Will: The priv...(Hides his face as he leaves) Excuse me.
Thomas: What’s with him?
Kit: I don’t know, but I learned a little more about the Queen than I needed to know.
...
Those parties interested in producing It Was Kit and/or Shakespeare's Brain can purchase a sample copy at the base cost plus shipping - contact [email protected] to order.
