"Crime and Etiquette" (pages 6 - part of 10)
Sherman: Well, you didn’t have to kill him.
Peabody: Keep your voice down. Do you want everyone to know why we’re here? Look, I had to kill Frank. The boss was getting upset.
Sherman: You could have made something up.
Peabody: Like what? The boss always says the money or the guy’s head. I had no choice. I had to take his head.
Sherman: The boss would have understood.
Peabody: Understood? The boss? Understood? How long have you been working for the Organization?
Sherman: Ten months.
Peabody: And in those ten months have you ever known the boss to be understanding?
Sherman: Well, no.
Peabody: I’ve been with them for thirty years. I may not know much about this world or life or love or even expensive alcohol, but what I do know is that in those thirty years the boss has never been and never will be understanding!
Sherman: A man can change.
Peabody: That man doesn’t change. Not for anyone. No one gets two chances with the boss. When he looks you straight in the eye and says the money or the head, you can’t go out and then come back empty handed.
Sherman: But he likes you, Peabody. He keeps saying that you’re his number one guy. He’d give you a second chance.
Peabody: First off, he says that everyone is his number one guy. Second, the reason he thinks so highly of me is because I always deliver either the money or the head of the guy who owes it. That’s why he likes me.
Sherman: It’s more than that. He really thinks that you’re an okay guy.
Peabody: That’s great, Sherman, but if I don’t deliver either the head or the money when he asks, then I won’t be okay for very long and neither will you.
Sherman: I get your drift, Peabody.
Peabody: Good. Now, once again, what do we do if he doesn’t pay us this time around?
Sherman: You kill him.
Peabody: Almost got it. I don’t kill him.
Sherman: But you just said...
Peabody: We kill him. It’s not just I, here. We’re both here. We’re both part of the Organization. We’re both equal partners in this. Understand that?
Sherman: Yeah. We’re both equal partners in this.
Peabody: Now you’ve got it. Equal partners. Now, go find that waitress and get us some beers.
Peabody: Sure thing!
(Sherman walks over to the bar, signals the waitress for two beers, gets them, and walks back to the table. As he gets back to the table, he hands one beer to Peabody and sits back down. JONNY walks in casually, swinging a duffel bag lightly on his arm. He raises the other arm to the Waitress, who smiles at the sight of him and waves back.)
Waitress: Hey, Jonny!
Drunk: Jonny! Long time no drink there, Jonny-boy.
(He smiles and pats the Drunk on the shoulder, then heads towards the table with the two gangsters.)
Jonny: Hi, guys! (As he walks towards the gangsters, he continues to talk to them) I’m glad you guys made it, I’ve got some news for y...
(He trips over a chair and falls to the floor, hitting his head on the table where the two men are sitting. The duffel bag slides across the floor to end up under a far table against the wall. Neither of the other two men notice it, but the Waitress does.)
Peabody: Jonny?
Sherman: Very funny, Jonny.
Peabody: Where’s our money?
Sherman: You can quit the routine and get up now.
Peabody: Hey, Jonny! Have you gone deaf or something?
Sherman: Get up.
Peabody: Kick him.
Sherman: Why?
Peabody: So he’ll get up.
Sherman: Why me?
Peabody: Because you’re near him.
Sherman: You’re just as near.
Peabody: Yeah, but I’m nice and cosy at the moment. I like this chair.
Sherman: I like my chair just as much. And I just sat back down.
Peabody: So, you won’t be as bothered by moving again. Just kick him.
Sherman: You kick him.
Peabody: I already kicked a guy today.
Sherman: So, you’ll be kicking two guys in one day.
Peabody: I don’t feel like kicking another one today.
Sherman: Well, neither do I.
Peabody: Fine, we’ll just let him lie there then.
Sherman: Suits me just fine.
(Both drink their beers and look around the bar for a while.)
Peabody: I wonder if he’s all right.
Sherman: Do you think he’s really hurt?
Peabody: What do I look like? A doctor? Check his pulse.
Sherman: You check his pulse.
Peabody: Why me?
Sherman: Because you’re the one who won’t kick him on account of the fact that you’ll be over quota on kicking people.
Peabody: I’m the senior partner in this little operation. I’m older than you.
Sherman: So?
Peabody: So, that’s why I didn’t kick him. I’m old, I have the right to be lazy.
Sherman: So, why can’t you check his pulse?
Peabody: I just said I was lazy. I’m not going to check his pulse.
Sherman: Neither am I!
Peabody: Fine, see if I care.
Sherman: So, what are we gonna do? Just leave him there lying face down on the floor?
Peabody: I guess so.
Those parties interested in producing Crime & Etiquette can purchase a sample copy at the base cost plus shipping - contact [email protected] to order.
Peabody: Keep your voice down. Do you want everyone to know why we’re here? Look, I had to kill Frank. The boss was getting upset.
Sherman: You could have made something up.
Peabody: Like what? The boss always says the money or the guy’s head. I had no choice. I had to take his head.
Sherman: The boss would have understood.
Peabody: Understood? The boss? Understood? How long have you been working for the Organization?
Sherman: Ten months.
Peabody: And in those ten months have you ever known the boss to be understanding?
Sherman: Well, no.
Peabody: I’ve been with them for thirty years. I may not know much about this world or life or love or even expensive alcohol, but what I do know is that in those thirty years the boss has never been and never will be understanding!
Sherman: A man can change.
Peabody: That man doesn’t change. Not for anyone. No one gets two chances with the boss. When he looks you straight in the eye and says the money or the head, you can’t go out and then come back empty handed.
Sherman: But he likes you, Peabody. He keeps saying that you’re his number one guy. He’d give you a second chance.
Peabody: First off, he says that everyone is his number one guy. Second, the reason he thinks so highly of me is because I always deliver either the money or the head of the guy who owes it. That’s why he likes me.
Sherman: It’s more than that. He really thinks that you’re an okay guy.
Peabody: That’s great, Sherman, but if I don’t deliver either the head or the money when he asks, then I won’t be okay for very long and neither will you.
Sherman: I get your drift, Peabody.
Peabody: Good. Now, once again, what do we do if he doesn’t pay us this time around?
Sherman: You kill him.
Peabody: Almost got it. I don’t kill him.
Sherman: But you just said...
Peabody: We kill him. It’s not just I, here. We’re both here. We’re both part of the Organization. We’re both equal partners in this. Understand that?
Sherman: Yeah. We’re both equal partners in this.
Peabody: Now you’ve got it. Equal partners. Now, go find that waitress and get us some beers.
Peabody: Sure thing!
(Sherman walks over to the bar, signals the waitress for two beers, gets them, and walks back to the table. As he gets back to the table, he hands one beer to Peabody and sits back down. JONNY walks in casually, swinging a duffel bag lightly on his arm. He raises the other arm to the Waitress, who smiles at the sight of him and waves back.)
Waitress: Hey, Jonny!
Drunk: Jonny! Long time no drink there, Jonny-boy.
(He smiles and pats the Drunk on the shoulder, then heads towards the table with the two gangsters.)
Jonny: Hi, guys! (As he walks towards the gangsters, he continues to talk to them) I’m glad you guys made it, I’ve got some news for y...
(He trips over a chair and falls to the floor, hitting his head on the table where the two men are sitting. The duffel bag slides across the floor to end up under a far table against the wall. Neither of the other two men notice it, but the Waitress does.)
Peabody: Jonny?
Sherman: Very funny, Jonny.
Peabody: Where’s our money?
Sherman: You can quit the routine and get up now.
Peabody: Hey, Jonny! Have you gone deaf or something?
Sherman: Get up.
Peabody: Kick him.
Sherman: Why?
Peabody: So he’ll get up.
Sherman: Why me?
Peabody: Because you’re near him.
Sherman: You’re just as near.
Peabody: Yeah, but I’m nice and cosy at the moment. I like this chair.
Sherman: I like my chair just as much. And I just sat back down.
Peabody: So, you won’t be as bothered by moving again. Just kick him.
Sherman: You kick him.
Peabody: I already kicked a guy today.
Sherman: So, you’ll be kicking two guys in one day.
Peabody: I don’t feel like kicking another one today.
Sherman: Well, neither do I.
Peabody: Fine, we’ll just let him lie there then.
Sherman: Suits me just fine.
(Both drink their beers and look around the bar for a while.)
Peabody: I wonder if he’s all right.
Sherman: Do you think he’s really hurt?
Peabody: What do I look like? A doctor? Check his pulse.
Sherman: You check his pulse.
Peabody: Why me?
Sherman: Because you’re the one who won’t kick him on account of the fact that you’ll be over quota on kicking people.
Peabody: I’m the senior partner in this little operation. I’m older than you.
Sherman: So?
Peabody: So, that’s why I didn’t kick him. I’m old, I have the right to be lazy.
Sherman: So, why can’t you check his pulse?
Peabody: I just said I was lazy. I’m not going to check his pulse.
Sherman: Neither am I!
Peabody: Fine, see if I care.
Sherman: So, what are we gonna do? Just leave him there lying face down on the floor?
Peabody: I guess so.
Those parties interested in producing Crime & Etiquette can purchase a sample copy at the base cost plus shipping - contact [email protected] to order.
